


Iguana Out of Here!

by MistyBeethoven



Series: Strange Couchfellows [13]
Category: John Wick (Movies)
Genre: Bullets, Comedy, Gen, House Cleaning, Iguanas, Lizards, Robin Lord Taylor character, just kind of stupid, salads, vacuums
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-05-14 20:14:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19280365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistyBeethoven/pseuds/MistyBeethoven
Summary: John Wick cleans up the Administrator's apartment.





	Iguana Out of Here!

**Author's Note:**

> The thirteenth in a time diverting and admittedly stupid series.
> 
> This is what I punish the world with when I try to imagine John Wick vacuuming. Sorry.

The moment the Administrator walked through the door he knew something was wrong. The floor looked immaculately clean and John Wick was standing there with the vacuum cleaner, looking guilty as hell.

"What did you do?" the High Table employee frowned.

"I cleaned the floor."

"I can see that," the stamper said. "And I'll give you your allowance later. Now what did you do _wrong_?"

"Were you very fond of your lizard?" John Wick asked.

The bureaucrat's face turned white. "Where's Toby?"

John Wick looked down at the vacuum's hose.

The Administrator rushed to the cleaning machine and peered down the nozzle; there was clearly something green stuck in it.

"You sucked up my lizard when you were vacuuming?" the shorter man asked, peering up at his roommate through the lens of his glasses.

"In a word: yes."

"In three words: I'll kill you."

"It never would have happened if you had a Dyson," Wick commented. "It's better for pet fur."

"I got an iguana so i wouldn't have to deal with fur!" the Administrator whined. It was true. He had never counted on having an assassin with a canine moving in with him. There were hairs all over the place. Not to mention that the dog kept shedding too.

John Wick looked around the apartment. "Maybe if we get a golf ball and suck that up it will push the lizard into the canister and we can just grab him then."

"First off, with Toby stuck in the hose there wouldn't be enough suction for that to work," the pierced man informed the hitman. "Secondly if there was it would more or less run my lizard over like a boulder with Daffy Duck in a Warner Bros. cartoon."

John Wick nodded. He understood; he had watched a lot of cartoons after marrying Helen.

"Well, besides the lizard thing, how did I do?" John Wick asked.

"You sucked."

"Thank you," the assassin looked proud.

"That wasn't a compliment."

The assassin looked insulted.

"Never _ever_ are you allowed to do house chores again!" the pencil pusher yelled.

Wick contemplated this for a moment. "That's punishment?"

The Administrator agreed with his roommate and half wondered if the man had vacuumed his lizard up in some nefarious scheme. He was working on his own devious revenge involving undercooked meat, crazy glue and the toilet seat when Toby, the iguana, scampered across the floor.

The two men looked at each other confused.

"If that's my iguana what the hell is stuck in the fucking vacuum cleaner?" the Administrator looked through the nozzle again. 

"It's a zucchini," Wick finally realized. "I must have sucked it up when it was on the floor."

"What was a zucchini doing on the floor?" the shorter man asked looking befuddled.

"I was using the zucchini to play fetch with my dog since I can't use your lizard anymore," the assassin admitted.

The Administrator sighed. "Well we can't leave it in there."

The bearded man thought for a moment. "Why don't you detatch the hose and try to blow it out?"

"Do you know how dirty that hose is after you cleaned the apartment with it?"

Wick nodded. He did.

"Blow your own fucking zucchini!" the Administrator shouted at the hitman.

John Wick didn't want to.

Instead he pulled out his gun, grabbed the hose and shot it several times into the nozzle. A pile of chopped up zucchini fell out of the vacuum and onto the rug.

"I'll leave you to take care of it," Wick said and walked away. "I have strict orders never to clean up anything ever again."

The Administrator sat scowling on the apartment floor.

He made it into a salad that night and they had it for supper. It was the finest food related thing John Wick had ever had a hand in making.

Except for the fact they had to keep spitting out bullets.


End file.
